


Seven Minutes [PAUSED]

by Junia



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst, Cunnilingus, Drinking, F/M, Fighting, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Fuckbuddies, Hurt, Modern Setting, Mystery, Not Beta Read, Pining, Plot Twists, Plotty, Science Fiction, Sex, Slow Build, Slow Burn, blood/gore, casusl sex, kind of friends with benefits, long fic, smutty parts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-17 08:36:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9313832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junia/pseuds/Junia
Summary: Clarke Griffin's life is defined by pain, death and tragic events. Some people, including a certain freckled person with black curly hair, make it a little more bearable though but just when she thinks life will be better from now on, strange dreams and Déjà vus start following her.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I had this plot idea and my fingers have been literally itching to write this. I don't know if I'll go through with it but I do have a good feeling about it, I already planned a few chapters ahead and have a clear image of this story :) I hope you like it. So here goes nothing!

> **29.07.2010**

_Clarke sighed to herself in the back of the car but her father noticed it anyway . Jake Griffin wasn't dumb, he knew exactly when his daughter was upset over something. It was just a matter of question, if he should talk to her about it. On the one hand he wanted to help her with whatever matter she had, on the other she was a sometimes moody 16 year old girl who was in the middle of her teenager phase and not exactly keen on sharing. He admitted that the whole thing was scary sometimes. He decided to say something though not wanting to let his daughter suffer by herself._

_"Clarke honey, whats the matter?" She looked up and glanced into the back mirror, meething her father's eyes. After a beat "It's just Wells.." she quietly said "He asked me to go to prom with him."_

_"Is this a bad thing?" he wanted to know. Clarke and Wells were good friends, no best friends, but was there ever something more than friendship there?_

_"No!" she exclaimed with another sigh. "But I think he kind of wants more from me than I want from him." It was kind of an awkward admission. Clarke loved Wells to pieces but not like that, not in a romantic way. But throughout the last months she noticed him behaving differently, awkwardly around her, hence her suspicion. It made everything much more complicated than it should be._

_Her father was silent for a moment, not sure what to say before asking: "Are you cerain about that?"_

_Clarke thought about the last time she saw him and how he looked at her, with such longing in his eyes. Yes, she was sure. Opening her mouth to respond, suddenly something huge, a jeep, rammed into the drivers side. The car rolled over several times, breaking glasses and inflating safe bags.Several moments later, Clarke's head made contact with the cement as blood came out of her noggin._

_Clarke slowly blinked a few times and then opened her eyes, her head was throbing dully with pain spreading through her body. Everything was so silent. She was on the ground, outside the car._

_A car crashed into them. They were rammed of the street. Clarke's head hurt. Her father - Where was her father? Fuck, fuck, fuck, her father._

_The world stopped moving in slow motion as realization hit her and all the noise abruptly came back. Clarke tried to stand up, her heart racing and her knees wobbly, and she slowly limped her way to the car wreckage. It smelled of gasoline. Fuck. Faster._

_When she finally made it to the driver's seat she saw him. Her father. He was still sitting in his seat. There was a huge piece of glas drilled into his chest and blood dripping out of his mouth but his expression was so calm. His eyes were closed. His mouth relaxed. Almost like he was at peace._

_A sob escaped Clarke's mouth. "Dad! -_

_"Dad, wake up!"_

_She touched him, he was so stiff, she tried to make him wake up. Wake him so that she could tell him all about her situation with Wells. So that he could smile at her again and hug her. So that he could tell her how proud he is of her. So that he could hear him speak one last time._

_But he didn't._

_"Dad, please wake up! I'm begging you!" she cried as she climbed into the car and hugged his dead body. She wouldn't let him go, no. Her wet tears dripped onto his face and she pressed her face into his neck, sobbing. Her father couldn't be dead._

_There were noises, people and shouts but she didn't care because she needed her father to wake up so she held on to him. But the people, stupid people who didn't understand anything, dragged her away of him and took her with them. Clarke wanted to resist, she wanted to yell and to punch the paramedics, who pulled her into the ambulance, she wanted to scream "no" but nothing came out, only small whimpering noises. And suddenly she was tired, exhausted even and the world faded to back._

 

* * *

 

 

**7 YEARS LATER**

 

Clarke lined up her next shot and downed it the next second. The alcohol burning slightly in her throat but a good kind of a burning. Stilling the raging fire that was usually in her stomach.

"What is a pretty girl like you doing here all by herself?" a deep voice suddenly said as a man took a seat next to her at the bar.

She turned to look at him. The first thing she noticed were the dozen of freckles spread across his face. Then his dark curly hair giving him a messy look. And his olive skin. Pretty handsome, pretty doable but nothing special she thought.

"Forgetting" Clarke answered unimpressed, giving the bar tender a sign that she wanted another shot.

The man next to her huffed out a laugh and took a sip of his own drink "Must have something in common then." 

"Or you're just trying to hit on me."

"Might be both."

Something inside her twisted at his deep, hoarse voice. A feeling she had for the first time. Nothing romantic or sexual either, just _something,_ like she had heard it before. Clarke mustered him again and didn't connect him to anyone she knew but she was certain she had seen him somewhere. Once.. "So, tell me" she almost purred, "What are _you_ trying to forget?"

He locked her eyes with hers when he spoke. "Not what but who" he corrected her, "an ex."

Clarke nodded, all to familiar with this concept. Although in her case, she was not just trying to forget someone but everything. Her last seven years. Her last girlfriend. Her last fight with her mother. _Everything._

"I can promise you to make you forget about her" her voice was dangerously low as she made him an offer, "in just one night."

It was something about his voice that made her speak to him like that. Some strange feeling that made her wanted to find out who he is. She normally wasn't a one night stand person, not specifically disgusted by the idea but not so keen on it either. Although it had happened a bit more often since she broke up with her girlfriend.

So that's how they ended up at his appartment, furiously making out on his kitchen counter. Trying to touch, feel, and mark every part of eachother's body. He was running his hands across her back, kissing and biting his way down from her neck to the v line of her blouse, while Clarke tangled her hands in his hair and occasionally moaned. When that tingly feeling started to spread in her belly, she put her hands up so he could take of her shirt, then her bra and finally, finally, put his sweet, thick lips around her breasts. Licking and nipping at one nipple, his other hand groping the other one.

"Fuck" she groaned and fisted her hand in his hair, pulling him tighter. 

The next cloth that came off were her pants and he came up again to pull her into a deep kiss, licking into her mouth as he stood between her spread thighs. Clarke moaned into the kiss since he wasn't only standing between her thighs but also running one of his hands along her already soaked panties. She needed friction, his fingers, his mouth, _something._

 _"_ Say it" he breathed in between dirty kisses "Say what you want me to do"

If she wasn't so horny right now, she would have rolled her eyes but instead she obeyed: "G- Go down" - her voice hitched when one his fingers teased her clit through the fabric of her panties - "on me" she croaked out before adding a desperate "please".

So he did, he kissed her one last time and then his face wandered between her thighs where she was sitting on the kitchen counter. After he freed her from the underwear, he licked a long stripe along her labia. _Fuck_. Then another lick. And another before he finally mouthed at her clit. _Double fuck._ It felt so damn good, Clarke had to grip the counter in order not to lose her balance because that boy was working wonders down there and she needed something to hold on to.

His pace became faster and faster, adding a finger inside her to work her up good. So good. Sometimes when he licked along her lips his nose nuzzled her clit and that sent electric shockwaves through her body. She was so close. It was just when he added a second finger and bent it, perfectly hitting that sweet spot, the overwhelming stimulation of her clit and her g-spot together, that she finally came. The climax rushing through her before leaving her boneless and blissed.

"Oh my god" she let out, her chest coming up and down rapidly. "You sure know how to make good use of that tongue of yours."

The man laughed quietly as he came up between her and gave her a wet, sloppy kiss. "It's only one of my many abilities" he teased with a smirk and his hand rubbed softly at her sex again.

Fuck, it was like she hadn't just come a few minutes ago.

"Now what about that promise to make me forget?" he whispered as he leaned into her. That thick, deep voice again, making her shiver and letting the hair on her neck stand up. She responded by pulling him into another kiss, biting his bottom lip. "If you're ready for that" she pourred, still so close to him after the kiss, that she could feel the way his breath halted and see his pupils widen in lust and desire.

He pulled her into another deep kiss as he grabbed her by the hips, Clarke's bare legs clutching around his torso, so he could lift her and make their way into his bedroom while still making out.

Arriving there, he practically threw her onto his bed. Clarke watched with dark eyes, biting her lip at the way he lifted his shirt and undressed himself in front of her. She admired his chest, his beautiful ,thick arms and oh god, his abs. Before he could even hover above her, she flipped them over and started trailing kisses everywhere. Trying to get to taste every inch of his body before he would fill her up. He tasted like honey.

But soon she got that feeling deep inside her belly again, she needed him. Now.

Gazing at her hungry expression, the man got the gist and pulled out a condom out of the drawer next to bed. Pulling it over his length.

Clarke watched him with amazed eyes and all of sudden she was lying underneath him again, feeling how he teased himself into her. Only the tip first and then the full length. At the feeling of him inside her, filling her up, something else besides lust crawled up her belly. That feeling of knowing him. Knowing this.

_"Bellamy" she moaned as he slammed inside her, his rhytm fast and steady. Her climax approached closer and closer every time he thrust into her and hit that amazing spot. Fuck, she pulled at his hair, wanting to feel more of him, feeling him closer, pulling him completely and entirely into her._

Clarke's eyes snapped open. What the fuck? The man inside her moaned and tried to kiss her but she lost the rhytm they had. He probably noticed her confused face and stilled for a moment. "Is everything alright? Did I hurt you?"

She shook her head underneath him, "No - No, you didn't" she assured him. "I just noticed that I didn't even know your name."

His eyes looked directly into hers and he laughed softly. "Bellamy" he breathed, "My name's Bellamy."

Clarke's heart missed a beat as she stared at him. How did she know his name? But instead of musing about it, she just pulled his mouth to hers and kissed him slowly, tongue darting out and licking into his mouth. Forgetting the issue, just like everything else in her life. He quickly followed and then continued to thrust into her, making their climax approach closer. Between the kisses and the moans and the nail scratching, she managed to whisper her name, too. Clarke was her name, Clarke Griffin.

 

* * *

 

After their night together, Clarke called herself a cab to drive home. She didn't remember much, though, only that she fell exhausted into her bed afterwards, the dark pulling her into a deep and long sleep.

She dreamed that night. It was a long time since she dreamed or at least remembered it so clearly.

_There was a girl, early twenties perhaps, with dark, long hair, a strong jawline and eyes that had fire and passion inside them. She was laughing at something. Or was it someone? Suddenly, a shot was heard and her mouth flew open. She was screaming. There was a head with dark curly hair whipping around and Bellamy was looking into her soul. His mouth twisted in a smile. He said her name: Clarke. Clarke. Clarke. It was all she could hear, Clarke._

 

"Clarke!"

Clarke rapidly opened her eyes at the loud and demanding voice. Her best friend Raven was standing in front of her and apparently she let herself in without being invited. Somestimes she regreted giving the latina her second key, especially in moments like this. Her head was throbing from a little to much alcohol last night and she was still exhausted, so Raven's loud voice didn't help at all.

"What?" she mumbled underneath the blankets, not even bothering to keep her eyes open.

Raven didn't care though, she just sat down on the bed and took a bite of the waffle she was holding in her hands. "We had a bruch date today, Griffin" she informed the sleepy girl and then turned to give her a glare. "When you didn't answer my calls, I decided to check on you myself."

"Is that my waffle you're eating?"

"Yes. Are you getting out of bed now, or what?"

"No" Clarke pouted and cuddled a tiny bit closer to her big, fluffy pillow. "You can eat my waffles. I can stay in bed."

Obviously, that didn't satisfy Raven, she pinched her shoulder instead "You're gonna miss the whole day, it's already 2 pm!"

"I don't care. Let my lazy ass suffer on my own. In peace"

Rolling her eyes and standing up, she grabbed her jacket that was laying on Clarke's night table, "Tell me, how exactly are you a doctor again who usually gets up at like 5 am every morning?"

The only response she got was an unintelligible grunt. 

"Ever since you broke up with Lexa, you've been like a grumpy old lady, Clarke" Raven remarked and looked at her with a concerned face. "Live a little!"

The blonde girl finally looked up from under her blanket mess and rolled her eyes, "It has nothing to do with the break up, Ray."

"Yeah, right" the other girl scoffed.

"I've just been more tired than usual lately. That's it."

Raven crossed her arm. "If you say so" she gave in. "But you'll come to Jasper's next friday, right?"

"If it's after 2 pm, yes."

 

Clarke was very thankful that Raven left after that, probably slightly pissed that she forgot the brunch date but that wouldn't last very long. Of course she also knew that she couldn't stay in her bed forever, hiding under her warm blankets while her friends were worrying about her. Life just was too much lately and she needed time for herself, to recover from everything. So it was all the more surprising that she had went to the bar yesterday and even hooked up with an attractive guy she met there. But to be honest Clarke had only ended up there because she had seen her ex girlfriend Lexa with someone the other night, probably her new fling. So the only urge she had afterwards was to get drunk and _forget._

The next few days passed by quickly and ordinary. Clarke worked at the hospital, came home, slept. One time she even had a phone call with her mother. It was definitely progress ,considering the relationship with her mom has been very complicated and difficult for the last 6 years or so.

When friday night rolled around Clarke's shift was already over, so she had time to make herself viewable again. Putting on a cute outfit, some nice make up and etc. She got to Jasper with her car, planning not to drink so much tonight since she had to work the next morning. Most of her friends were already there already, so she was one of the last people to arrive.

"Look who's decided to show her face again!" Jasper yelled with a big grin on his face, already pulling Clarke into his arms.

She hugged him tightly back. Yeah, she missed out a lot the last weeks and she definitely had missed her friends more than she cared to admit. "I love you, too, Jasper" she laughed into his shoulder.

After greeting her other friends and some other unknow faces she didn't recognize, Clarke settled on the red couch next to Raven, who just smirked at her and then gave a her a quick kiss on the cheek. The two friends caught up on the newest hot "gossip" in town and apparently Monty had a new thing with a boy called Miller, while Jasper finally had his first date with his life long crush Maya. It's when Raven wanted to show her Nathan Miller that she noticed _him_. Bellamy.

He was standing there, talking to Miller and huffing out a laugh occiasionally. Apparently, she gaped a bit too obviously or a bit too long because Bellamy noticed, he turned his head and then saw her.

Feeling caught Clarke quickly looked back to continue her conversation with Raven. She felt her cheeks turning a bright red color. After nodding a few times and some "mhhhs" and "yeahs" without really listening, she excused herself to get some water. 

In the kitchen she just leaned on the counter and closed her eyes. Of fucking course her one night stand from last week would show up at Jasper's party. Because why would her life _ever_ let a chance slide to humiliate her ? 

All of a sudden she heard someone clear their throat and she knew, she just knew it was him. 

"Clarke?" she heard his deep, hoarse voice say.

She opened her eyes, saw Bellamy standing in front of her and all she could do was give him a really awkward smile. "Hi" she said.

"I had no idea you knew Jasper."

She nodded and turned around halfways to pour herself a glass of water. "Well, I can say the same about you."

Bellamy crossed his arm as he leaned against the kitchen counter, "Well, my sister is like best friends with him - I've known that derp for a long time, too." He was wearing a black jacket with dark jeans and his hair looked like someone had ruffled through them. It looked good on him though, she had to admit. _More than good._

 _"_ You have a sister?"

He nodded with a shy smile on his face, he actually looked even proud. "Yeah, Octavia."

She didn't know her personally but she had certainly heard that name a few times before, never able to connect a face to it though. Smiling at him back, Clarke stole a grape from Jasper's kitchen table and then a silence fell between them which made her more uncomfortable than it should habe since he wasn't really relevant in any way. _Just a one time thing_ , she thought. "That's so awkward, I'm sorry" she blurted out after a few moments.

Bellamy's face crinkled up in a soft laugh as he ran his fingers through his her. Was he nervous? Clarke always had the ability to read people which was sometimes a good thing and well, more than often not so good.

"Nah, it's good. I mean, it was just one night, right?"

She nodded slowly, images of said night reappearing in her mind.  _Her hands tangled in his beautiful black curls. His mouth on every inch of her body. Them laughing together._ _His name leaping from her tongue like a prayer._ Wait, no.. They didn't do that. It was just sex, they didn't laugh together or talk at all besides some dirty talk. She quickly shook her head to make the pictures on her mind disappear. "Yeah, a one time thing. Nothing special."

Taking a few steps towards her, Bellamy's smile left his face. It wasn't like a mean look, just more serious with a hint of amusement in his eyes. "Sooo, there's nothing akward" he said and put his right hand on the kitchen counter. "I mean, I only saw you naked and got pretty intimate with certain body parts of yours."

Clarke's eyes first darted to his hand, laying there next to hers. His beautiful hand and his beautiful fingers who were _so good_ and _long_ and now she had the images in front of her eyes again. Then she ganzed back at him, locking their eyes. If he wanted to play that game, she could play it too: "And I know exactly how much you enjoyed that part, Bellamy" she almost whispered as she leaned closer, "How you've been craving me ever since." She honestly couldn't stop herself from saying  these words. Bellamy was like a fucking magnet, pulling her. She could literally feel the way the room filled with tension - sexual tension.

"Clarke"

His voice sounded wrecked, his pupils widened as he stared hungrily into her eyes.

Just to have a little more fun, she laid his hand on his, and licked her lips. The touch was almost electrifying. Then she tried to sound as innocent as possible, "Yes, Bellamy?" while fluttering her eyelashes.

This was enough for him and he leaned in, kissing her, hard and hot. Tasting her, feeling her hum against his mouth and then pulling away and leaving her with a racing hart and swollen lips. 

So that's how Clarke Griffin ended up sleeping with Bellamy for the second time, this time though at her own appartment. She was surprised they hadn't already ripped off their clothes in the car. 

Afterwards, when she was laying with her head on his chest, hearing his heartbeat, a sentence popped into her mind. It didn't make any sense, it was really random but it was practically stuck in her head:  _Clarke, wake up. The weirdest_ part about it, was that she heard Bellamy's voice say it.  Clarke had no idea what was going on.

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

Clarke woke up to a comforting warmth draped over her naked body. It felt so good at first that she instinctly cuddled back into the hot figure next to her but after a few moments her sleep-fogged brain regained it's cognitive senses. She opened her eyes, blinking a few times and then threw a look over her shoulder to find a sleeping Bellamy Blake there. 

His hair was a complete mess, which was hardly surprising considering the way she pulled and held onto it last night, his face completely relaxed and his big arms hugging her torso. Clarke admired his freckles for a second before untangling herself, putting on any shirt she could find on the floor and then walking to her kitchen. 

It was early and she had still two hours until her shift, so she decided to make something for breakfast. Her stomach was already growling.

Why exactly did he stay last night? Normally Clarke didn't even bring her one night stands home, let alone let them sleep over. All it did was cause awkward morning conversations and weird goodbyes where nor one nor the other knew if to give a kiss, or a hug, or just a quick, awkward wave. However, Bellamy had been  very buzzed, since he did like four rounds of tequila shots and drank couple of mixed drinks at the small party before they had sneaked out and left the party. So she had pity, not wanting him to find his way home at 4 am, absolutely smashed. Driving him hadn't been an option either because she was too tired and frankly, her bed too warm and cozy. That's why he had stayed and why this would become awkward very fast, she thought. Then again that's what she figured when she saw him last night at the party and then they ended up having sex. Well.

Bellamy came out of her bedroom when she started making scrambled eggs with toast, _obviously_ because it smelled so delicious. He wasn't wearing anything besides his boxer briefs, not that Clarke minded, and leaned awkwardly against her bar.

"Morning."

"Morning," Clarke greeted him with a small smile and offered him a plate. "Eggs and toast?"

Bellamy didn't even muster the food, just nodded eagerly and sat down. "That's nice, thanks"

"I figured food would help in case you had a hangover or something" she explained and sat down on the other side of the bar. "You kinda seemed pretty drunk yesterday."

The eggs quickly made their way into his mouth and he seemed to really enjoy it. An eater through and through. 

 "I was. I might even still be, hell I don't know" he chuckled after a few bites. 

"Guess that's still better than a hangover."

"Yeah" Bellamy said, wiping his mouth with his hand. "So thanks for letting me crash, hope it didn't cause too much inconvenience", he added after a beat.

Clarke finally dared to look into his eyes, gulping down a knot in her throat. It was time for "the talk". She didn't like the talk. 

"Yeah, no, it's not a big deal but anyway about that -" she motioned between them, "I'm not really looking for anything serious right now so if that's something you're interested in then..."

"I'm not", Bellamy interruped quickly and  huffed out a laugh. Some of the tension that had been built up during the start of "the talk" swiftly left and it was a huge relieve to Clarke. "I kind of gave up on relationships after my last girlfriend."

Clarke nodded, remembering their first encounter in the bar with a light grin on her face. He wanted to _forget_ , too. 

"Good. I was just worried for a sec, you know, that we weren't on the same page."

"It's all good. Just good ol' plain sex."

At this, it was her turn to laugh because it sounded so ridiculous in the voice he said it. Good ol' plain sex. "Exactly", she said and actually giggled. "But really great sex, a safe 8.5/10!"

Bellamy smirked and put his hand on the bar surface. Somehow his hands had the ability to turn Clarke on, probably because she always started thinking about how good they could make her feel, his burning touch on her skin, the way he worked them around her body - she got carried away. 

"It's a shame to waste such amazing sex."

She tore her eyes away from his hands and met his gaze, getting the hint.

"I mean," he started again, moving in a bit closer with his face, "you aren't looking for something serious, I'm not looking for something serious. 

"No strings attached. Just awesome sex. Call it friends with benefits if you want."

Clarke broke the eye contact and sighed. "I'm not even 'ready' for that. I don't want any commitment. Or attachments. Or obligations," she told him genuinely, hoping that he'd understand her wish. "I don't want exlusivity and such, you can fuck whoever you want and I can do that, too."

"And if we feel like it, we can just -"

"Yes," she interrupted, "Maybe just text each other if we're up to it and yes."

Bellamy mustered her for a moment, "Wow, your last boyfriend really didn't do you well, huh?"

"Girlfriend" she corrected him before slowly shaking her head, "no, it's not just that. People tend to get hurt when they're with me. I don't want that any more." His remark stung anyway, the reminder of her last failed relationship aching deep inside her. It wasn't only painful that they were still in love with each other when Lexa and her broke up, just not able to carry on the relationship because of too many fucked up things, but also the fact that she still had to see her ever so often. Lexa  was also a doctor at the hospital Clarke worked at, and it didn't make things any easier. The only comfort that her ex girlfriend was specialised in another medical area.

He gave her an understanding nod, and he really seemed to understand because his eyes showed pure honesty. A comfortable silence followed, both of them in thoughts, Clarke reminiscing her past and Bellamy, perhaps too. 

"So I actually have to get to work now" she remarked, breaking the quietness. Standing up and heading over to her sink, putting the dishes there.

Before he also stood up, he asked her what she was working.

"I'm working at the hospital."

"Nurse?"

"Actually, Doctor" she smiled, thinking about her job. She was proud, but more happy to be able to help people. _It was her calling_ like her mother used to put it.

"So, it's Doctor Clarke."

"Well, Doctor Griffin."

Bellamy snorted, "I didn't even know your last name."

"And you wanted to be friends with benefits" Clarke teased and laughed. "We aren't even real friends, I barely know you."

"More like strangers with benefits" he offered with a smirk, amusement in his deep voice.

"Yeah.. Strangers with benefits." Except it didn't feel like they were strangers, at least not to Clarke. She still had that feeling deep buried that she knew him, he seemed familiar somehow. Mostly, she could ignore it, especially since that sudden rush of familiarity seemed to come in waves at random moments but it was there, waiting for her to do something. 

 

* * *

 

 

The next two weeks went by fairly pleasant. Clarke's work at the hospital kept her mostly distracted from thinking about, well, anything. Although she had to say Bellamy's new presence in her life shifted something in it. She felt better in a weird way, she wasn't able to put into words - like reuniting with someone she hadn't seen for ages and Feeling complete again. 

What she didn't like so much were the strange dreams that were keep hunting her. That one girl reappeared a couple times, first looking really happy and then something always happened and she was screaming. It was seriously creeping Clarke out by now.

So it was a blessing that there had been several patients with rare and fascinating diseases or injuries lately which kept clarke thinking about them for hours after the shift ended. 

Then she also saw Bellamy three times during that time and their great sex was a good contribution to that small happy place she'd built since the last time her life broke apart.

Of course, seeing Lexa at the hospital sent her down a spiral of negative thougths and dark memories every time but it got less worse from time to time. Then there were the missed phone calls from her mother which she purposely ignored or looking at old framed  pictures in her appartment for a little too long which made her heart stutter and her smile falter. Reminding herself that there were some things in the universe, too cruel and painful to think about. That some people she had loved with her every breath and her whole soul and her whole heart, that they were gone. Forever.

 

Now that was exactly the situation Clarke found herself in on a friday evening. She was sitting on the floor, holding a picture of her dad and her at high school dance in her hands as a silent tear ran down her cheek. 

Would she ever be able to get over it? To smile and think of him as a fond memory instead of his bloody and bruised face when she had held him in her arms in that car?

With a heavy heart, she put the photograph back on the night table next to her bed. She left her room and went to the kitchen to pack a sixpack of beer and a package of nachos into her bag. Raven had invited Clarke and some other friends to her place. They would watch old movies, play playstation or argue about stupid stuff and get sloppy drunk. A good opportunity to sit back, relax and enjoy her friend's company. She was thankful for distractions.

 

-

"Hey, Clarke. So what is your opinion on the kardashians?"

Clarke frowned and turned around to see monty, Jasper and Raven looking at her expectantly.

"What?" she asked because she hadn't been following their latest discussion,instead she was the only one, besides Murphy, concentrating on the movie that was running - _requiem for a dream_ \- one of her favorites.

"Kardashians. Yes or nah?" Raven repeated and held up her phone where a news headline about them could be seen, another drama,scandal or whatever.

The blonde girl shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I'm indifferent to them?"

Jasper rolled his eyes and slung a skittle at her. "There's no being neutral here. You're not switzerland, Clarke Griffin!" he declared with his voice two octaves deeper than usual. 

Monty and Raven snickered and joined him at throwing skittles at Clarke.

"I mean look at their influence and fame and what they decide to do with it. It's honestly sad" Monty stated, chugging a sip of his beer.

"I guess so but it's not like they're the only wealthy and famous family who isn't using their influence to do something good" the latina objected with arched eyebrows. She had a point.

Clarke nodded. "People will always find something or someone to hate and after some time something else comes around and it becomes the new trend to hate."

Suddenly there was a knock at the door and Raven rapidly jumped up from the floor, "Oh yeah, I've invited the Blakes,too" she announced as she walked over to open up. "Figured we could expand our small inner circle."

 _Fantastic_ , Clarke thought and shifted in her seat on the sofa. Now she would have to pretend to not know Bellamy which wasn't such a drama, since keeping things casual meant not telling anyone because that would only result in other interpreting too much into it, but it was kind of annoying to play dumb. She felt like she was back in high school. 

The two siblings came in while they were quietly arguing about something but still greeting everyone with a smile. When Clarke turned around to say hello to them, she came to an abrupt halt, seeing Octavia for the first time.

_What the -?_

Octavia, Bellamy's sister, looked _exactly_ like the girl in her dreams. The same dark, long hair and same facial sturcture. The same damn smile that showed of her high cheekbones. It was so strange, Clarke had to regain her senses again after peering at the girl for a while.  

"Hey, I'm Octavia!?" the girl said with a wide smile but a hint of confusion in her voice. She had probably noticed how Clarke stared. "Are you okay?"

Pulling herself together, the irritaed girl bobbed her head."Yeah, yeah, I just - You reminded me of someone for a moment. That's all. I'm Clarke by the way" she said and cracked a smile.

"Cool! You can call me O' or 'tavia if you want."

Clarke noticed Bellamy's furrowed brows out of the corners of her eyes but she ignored it and just nodded at him as a greeting. So what, was she freaking psychic now that could see the future in her dreams? Or was it just a simple coincidence? No, it couldn't be. Clarke knew the science behind dreams. People dreamed about stuff they _experienced_. That's their brain's kind of coping with living through things. And Clarke never experienced meeting Octavia, so it was  _impossible_. She had never met her before, had she? 

Closing her eyes and fisting her hand on the sofa, she tried to remember if she knew her from somewhere or if she had seen her in any way. Nothing.

Her confusion kept her silent for some time, her brain running through every possible explanation but coming up with nothing logical, until Raven pulled her out of her thoughts.

"I think it would be  _Clarke."_

"What?" Clarke sighed, zoining back into reality

"I think you are the one most likely to sleep with one of the people in the room. You're bi so you've got all the possibilities!" the latina explained with a beer in her hands. That's exactly what Clarke meant by arguing over stupid stuff. It's always some weird shit like this.

"Just because I'm bi, doesn't mean I'm going to jump into anyone's pant's that I encounter, Raven" she retorted with a dramatic eye roll. Of course, she knew that the other girl wasn't serious.

Raven tried to make her best offended face: "Anyone's pants? It's us, Griffin, we're all gorgeous. Just admit it, you've always wanted to do it with one of us."

  
"Sure, whatever you want to believe in" she scoffed.

"Okay, jokes aside, I notice things, Clarke" Raven replied, dropping her beer down on the floor and poking her friend's leg.  "At jasper's place, you were there and suddenly you were gone. My theory is that you didn't leave alone."

At that "theory" Jasper jumped in, "Ha! I noticed that, too! All of sudden you weren't there anymore!"

Suddenly all eyes were on her and when the other's were in their own conversations before that, they sure as hell were quiet now. Clarke's cheeks turned red and her gaze caught Bellamy's. 

But he just looked amused. 

She cleared her throat and straightened her back. "No," her voice slightly wavering. "I'm pretty sure I did leave on my own, thank you very much."

However, that didn't satisfy Raven nor sound believable, so the latina threw her head back and laughed. Perhaps she was alreazy buzzed. 

"Oh my god, Clarke! Your face!"

Now it was her turn to roll her eyes and she quietly took a sip of her beer, avoiding looking at Raven, and for that matter Bellamy who was sitting on the other side of the room on the floor. He was talking to Miller, sending occasional glances in her direction though. 

"It's okay, babe. There's no shame in sleeping around after a break up" Raven teased her with a knowing look.

She was right, Clarke always found it rather relieving to have lots of sex after the end of an relationship although she had only been in two serious relationships so far. It just made her feel good or at least better and distract her. She guessed some people just had that phase in their life just like she did now. The problem was that Bellamy was the one who she was sleeping with the last few times and he was in the same room and so was his sister. It wouldn't do any good telling anyone because it honestly wasn't anyone's business.

Rasing her eyes from the beer, she looked at Bellamy and he gazed right back. This time his look was more intimate, there wasn't any amusement or teasing in his eyes. It was more like sharing something common and helping each other out. Then she felt someone elses glance and found murphy slowly looking between the two of them with narrowed eyes and when he caught her eyes, she quickly dropped her gaze and felt kind of busted. 

Murphy was a clever young man and if he found something out he wasn't supposed to, he would sure as hell use it to his advantage.

Raven finally dropped the subject afterwards and started complaining about her co-worker Roan instead, who was the human version of a headache according to her. 

The evening went on and Clarke learned that Jasper's first date with maya was clumsy but good which made her happy, she had always rooted for them before maya really noticed him in first place. Octavia was apparently a cop. It was surprising, really, because she looked so young but from what Clarke was told, she was an eager and ambitious young woman who worked hard to get there. Clarke shortly wondered what Bellamy was doing because they had never talked about his job in the few times they saw each other. Maybe they would come around to do that, too some day.

 

* * *

 

_Her hands were full of blood. Why?_

_She looked down and saw a body slumped against her side. There was a wound, looked like a bullet wound, on the stomach. So that's where the blood was coming from. She desperately tried to pressurize it, to stop the bleeding but nothing would help. It kept bleeding. The person didn't move. Were they even alive?_

_Suddenly a tear dropped down and she realized she was crying the whole time._

_She made a whimpering sound and shook her head. It hurt so much._

_More blood, now on her clothes and on her face and in hair hair._

_Leaning down, she silently touched the dead body and turned it around. It was -_

 

 

Clarke jolted awake. The first thing she did was look at her hands, and no, they weren't full of blood. Not this time. Her breathing slowed  with time as she realized it was _just a night mare_. Nobody died in her arms. _Just a a very vivid dream._

 

* * *

 

She woke up again at 10 am, this time not from a horrible dream though. It had been a different type of night mare. Not a scary one with a monster in it, no, instead it was the agonizing feeling of losing someone, feeling their life disappear in front of her eyes. This feeling was even worse than scary monster.

Her phone rang on the night stand because she had set an alarm. Clarke had a day off and even if her bed was ridiculously warm and cozy right now, she didn't want to waste an entire day laying around in her bed. Not anymore. It was time to stop being a lazy, sad, grumpy potato, and seize the day for a change.

Turning her buzzer off, she stared at her phone for a while before it finally dawned on her when she looked at the date.

 

_29.07.2016_

 

Seven years ago her father had died. And she hadn't even remembered it until she had looked at the date on her phone. All of the motivation and optimism she had a minute ago vanished in seconds.

Biting her teeth to stop the tears building in her eyes, she went for a shower to clear her mind.

How could it be already seven years? Clarke remembered it like it was yesterday. The noise from the crash, her concussion, her father sitting there. She had lost so many people important to her but her father's death always hurt the most. Maybe because it all started there. Maybe because he was her father who she loved to pieces butshe couldn't tell him that ever again.

After the shower she made herself breakfast. Pancakes with syrup like her father had used to make them for her except that his were much better. She lost her appetite after one.

It was strange, how a single date could dictate her entire mood. This energy and believe, that she finally got better again, she had woken up with and now she was laying on her floor and staring at her ceiling. 

This year, unlike the others before that, she didn't want to be alone. She wanted to feel something else than a stone in her chest and painful memories floating around on her mind. Quite frankly, anything other than isolating herself and  would be like a salvage. 

 

So what else could she do other than text Bellamy Blake? He could be able to make her feel something else than utter pain inside her. Good sex and eating left over food while watching friends perhaps could distract her from a seven year old tragedy that was still haunting her.

Clarke fumbled around with her phone for a moment, rethinking that decision but then finally sending him a text:

12:05 Hey, wanna come over today?

Of course, it made her feel guilty and ashamed because it felt wrong to fuck someone on that kind of day instead of going to church and lighting a candle or visit his grave in washington dc or spend the day only with loved ones. The truth is she had already done all of these things and they never helped, not even in the slightest. Then why bother to deal with it or find closure or some shit, why not just surpress it and distract herself like the huge fuck up she was?

Bellamy answered 15 minutes later.

12:20 Sure. Will be there in 1h

When he rang on her appartment's door, Clarke was watching the walking dead. She opened the door for him, forcing on a weak smile and letting him in.

"I brought thai food" he said and held up a bag with food inside. "Thought that I could provide some food for once."

It was that little thing they used to do after boning each other's brains out. Eating and talking a bit. Then he usually left.

"You're an angel" she grinned softly and took the bag to drop it on her kitchen bar.  
"I still have a stack of pancakes for desserts if you want."

The pancakes from her breakfast were  sitting on the plate, waiting to be eaten.

Bellamy eyed them and approved with a strong nod.

"So you wanna eat now or after...?" He asked but trailed off because Clarke knew where the question led.

Having sex with a full belly wasn't a fun thing but she had this sudden desire to just eat and watch that episode of the walking dead. That urge from earlier to feel better through sex was barely there. Clarke's mood swings were abnormal these days.

"Now. There's like this tv show and I really need to know what happens" she replied and made a whiny voice at the end, "if you don't mind" she added after a beat.

Bellamy apparently didn't mind because he took their food out and handed her box to her. "I'm starving so nothing would make me happier right now."

Clarke gave him a wide smile and swung herself on her couch, opening the food and smelling that deliciousness. Her appetite was coming back, obviously.

The freckled man settled next to her, his legs resting on top of hers as he started eating.

After a while of eating and walking dead noises, Bellamy threw an important question into the room.

"So does Raven know about - this?"

Clarke turned to look at him, then shook her head, "Nah, she just likes to pretend to know what's going in my life."

"Well, she wasn't exactly wrong..."

Clarke huffed out a quiet laugh, "Didn't say she wasn't good at it." Then after taking a bite of her curry coco milk vegetables, "You worry about that?"

"No, not really" he answered. "It's just if O' got her hands on this, she would never stop annoying me about it and she would definitely think much more of it than it is."

Yes, that was her chain of thought, too. People tended to take some matters too seriously, especially if it was none of their business.

"I get that"

"And then she would play the sister card and be all like 'I just want you to be happy, Bell' but in reality she wants to create this big, happy family with sunshines and flowers" he continued and imitated Octavia with an over exaggerated high voice.

Bellamy made Clarke laugh and as she sat there listening to him ranting about his little sister, she realized it was easier to pretend to be happy when someone was around who didn't make it that hard to actually be. It still made her heart drop every time she thought about how it had been seven years. Nothing or no one would make this wound ever go entirely away.

They talked some more about Octavia and Clarke argued that perhaps she really just wanted him to be happy. He wasn't so convinced about that, not the part where Octavia wished her brother happiness but the other one where his sister wanted to use it to have the perfect  pie life.

It was fascinating that Octavia seemed like this little, sweet girl who adored puppies and ponies but on the other side, she was a hard ass cop who according to Bellamy took no shit from anyone.

Clarke wanted to know how people viewed her. Did she look like a fragile, weak and broken girl like she was in the mirror when she looked at herself?

Bellamy startled her out of her thoughts when he put a hand on her thigh. "You okay?"

She snapped her eyes to him and studied his face. He looked a bit worried probably because she tended to look quite upset when she was deep in her thoughts.

"Sure" she replied and without any warning she pulled him into a kiss. Clarke didn't want him to worry about her, ever. That was exactly the opposite of why he was here.

"Just want you to finally fuck me" she breathed as she pulled back and touched the right side of his face, stroking his temple.

Bellamy didn't need any more words. Pulling her into a hungry kiss, his hands started roaming her whole body. Clarke immediately responded by allowing his tongue in and tangling her hands in his thick black hair. It was always a surprise how soft his lips were because he always seemed so hard and manly.

Once his hands reached under the material of her shirt and found her boobs, she moved even closer, now sitting in his lap.

"Please" Clarke whispered in his ear as he started massaging her breasts and kissing her neck. It felt so good it made her shiver. But that nagging feeling that it wasn't the right day for this or that she shouldn't be doing this didn't want to vanish.

Grinding herself on the hard buldge in his pants, she bit his neck and left her marks there. Clarke was so sick of that feeling, she just wanted it gone and that made the fire inside her burn.

Bellamy caught up on the hunger in her eyes, although there was a flicker of hesitation and worry in his. The deep desire in him was stronger though so he swiftly positioned Clarke back on  the couch in order to yank her pants off along with her panties. His finger landed on her clit, not touching it fully, only teasing.

Clarke moaned loudly and grabbed his neck to hold on.

Soon he entered her with one finger, working her up, his rhytmn steady but fast but she wanted more. A second finger followed and when he crooked them inside her, he started hitting that sweet spot which made her mind go blank and moan unapologetically wildly. This was the feeling she had longed for. This feeling of absolute exctasy where for an instant everything seemed to be so freaking good and nothing was bad, all she felt was his rhytm and her rapid heart beating and her climax approaching. It sent her over the edge when he stroked her clit with his other hands. Her cunt clenching around his fingers, the world becoming a single white paper sheet.

But reality hit hard when her phone suddenly rang and she had to open her eyes, coming down from her high.

"Fuck" she muttered while laying on the sofa, her chest heavily rising up and down.

"You should probably answer"

Clarke didn't want this quiet peace to end but she grabbed her phone anyway and regretted it the moment she saw the caller's ID.

It was her mother.

Their relationship had suffered for a long time and even though Clarke was trying really hard to make things right again, it was a special punch in the face when her mother called on this kind of day. She knew exactly that her mom was aware of the date today but she dared to call anyway.

Clarke clenched her jaw and threw the phone back on the table. There was no way in hell she would ever pick up.

"Not important. Let's go to the bedroom," she muttered and took Bellamy's hands as she dragged him off the couch. When he couldn't see her face, she sighed heavily and damned her mother for ruining the only moment where she had felt good for a second.

Landing ln her queen size bed, they started making out again, Bellamy on top of her but Clarke's mind just wasn't in the game and Bellamy noticed that.

"Hey" he whispered as he pulled out of a kiss and softly touched her arm, "I can feel that somethings not okay with you right now. It's okay if you don't want to any more."

Clarke looked into his brown eyes and searched for any reasons why he even cared. Then without realizing a tear rolled down her cheek and fuck, it was all coming out now.

His strong hand cupped her cheek and he wiped it away. "It's okay" he told her and then hesitantly put his arms around her pulling her into a close hug.

Clarke couldn't help herself any more. All the grief and sadness and anger coming out of her all at once. She nuzzled into his shoulder and tightened her arms around his body, his warm presence comforting her even if not much.

After a while of laying like that, she rolled off to the side, wanting to have some space. He understood and just laid on his side so they could look at each other.

Clarke didn't want to talk for a long time, just finding relaxation and comfort in just laying there, looking at him but after a while she had the need to offer him an explanation.

"Today seven years ago my father died," she started and forced herself to not look  away from his gaze. "And it's my mother's fault."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Puuh, I just finished this chapter and it's 2 am and I'm tired af and tomorrow's school yaaay. I had to edit really fast so I just hope it turned out alrightey. Hope you liked it and leave a comment to let me know that you exist!!


	3. Chapter 3

**01.10.2010**

 

_Clarke leaned against the door frame of her room and slid down until her body hit the ground and she landed on the floor. Her head was buried in her hands, probably ruining the mascara she had put on so neatly hours earlier, but she didn't care. It didn't matter. She let her tears run freely down her cheeks because she was so damn tired of constantly holding it in, always keeping it up for all the strangers who didn't even know her, for relatives, for friends and for her mother. Once she was alone, she could let it all out so that's what she did._

_It was the day of her father's memorial with supposedly only friends attending, mourning Jake Griffin's tragic death and sharing old stories about him. Instead all kinds of strangers showed up, people who hadn't known him in the least, with fancy dresses and suits, and besides the one toast that had been made for her father, it rather felt like a charity gala where the usual business and politics were discussed. The people probably even used it to talk to her mother about the latest political issues she was facing in the senate._

_Clarke had been disgusted and angry when she realized what the memorial turned out to be. Now she was just sad. It made her insides turn, though, thinking about her mom and how she had played along so fantastic, with a permanent smile on her lips, talking about some stupid election at the memorial of her own husband._

_Abby, her mother had always been a professional and workaholic, probably due to growing up in an old political family and  simultaneously being a successfull surgeon and being a senator, but how could she be so put together? How could she keep smiling, pretending as if everything was alright when she had just lost her love, her partner and the father of her daughter two months ago?_

_Clarke couldn't comprehend it. She could never be so cold. Even a mere picture of her father sent her down crying  every time, let alone a memorial so it was very challenging not to start sobbing in the middle of a pointless conversation with Thelonious Jaha or Marcus Kane. Her mother didn't even shed a tear at the event, and it wasn't better at home either. She had gone straight back to work after Clarke had been realized from the hospital and had been buried in it ever since. Sometimes Clarke felt like she hadn't only lost her father that night but her mother, too._

_She fidgeted with the zipper of the black dress she was wearing but didn't have enough strength to slip it out of it._

_Suddenly she heard voices approaching in the hall outside her room. Her mother probably wasn't aware that Clarke was home since she had told her she would go to Wells afterwards. In reality she had just wanted to be alone for a while._

_"Abby, would you please stop for a second and listen to me?" The deep voice belonged to Thelonious Jaha, an old family friend and Well's father._

_"No, Thelonious. I know what you are going to say and it's nothing I haven't already heard." This one was her mother's and the sharpness in it sounded all to familiar to Clarke. She wondered why they were fighting because not even an hour ago they had been all smiley and friendly to each other at the event._

_"Then why can't you understand that I never meant for this too happen? I had no idea they were going to -" the man came to a halt and there was a moment of silence before he added a quiet "do this."_

_"Do this? Are you serious right now? He was my husband for god's sake!" her mother spat in a strangled voice. The mention of her father and the unrecognizable pain in her mother's yell made Clarke's heart skip a few beats. She instinctly leaned in closer to the door to hear better._

_"I know, Abby. I'm so s-"_

_"Now don't you say that you're sorry! I'm sorry I ever trusted you enough to tell you because if I hadn't Jake would be still alive!"_

_Shock slowly crept through every cell of her body and a silent tear fell on the floor. Clarke couldn't believe what she was hearing._

_"I didn't know they were going to kill him."_

_"They almost killed my daughter, too, Thelonious. That would've been on you!"_

_"I am -"_

_"No. I will stay professional for the sake of my career and Clarke's friendship with Wells but I want you gone out of our live. I entrusted you to talk him out of it but instead you got him killed."_

_"He was threating to destroy our entire campaign, Abby! What was I supposed to do?"_

_"Be a friend. Not a senator."_

 

_Then a sound of someone walking away was heard. If she had to guess, it was her mother who left the conversation._

_Clarke didn't move, almost feeling paralyzed. The information she had just gathered was raging inside her. So many questions burning on her tongue. But all of this was pushed away by one more invasive emotion: Betrayal._

_Without thinking it through, she got up, opened the door and almost ran into Thelonious who was apparently still standing at the same spot. The fueling anger and pain and whatever the hell she was feeling right know were apparently obvious because the man stared at her in shock. Just by looking at her, he knew that she had just heard everything._

_Clarke only managed to give him a disgusted glance before rushing to her mother's office on the other side of the corridor where she knew she would find her._

_And That was exactly where she was, standing with her back to her, looking at an old picture of the three of them: Her father, her mother and Clarke. It was taken couple of years ago at a family vacation in hawaii. It made it even harder to speak for Clarke._

_"How dare you" she eventuelly whispered through gritted teeth as tears started forming in her eyes._

_Abby turned around immediately. First she gave her an irritated glance but as she really looked at her daughter, the realization hit her._

_"Clarke -"_

_"No." She shook her head, tears officially streaming down her cheeks. "No, you don't get to talk now. Or be sorry. Or look at old pictures of us. Not after what you 've done."_

_Her mother's face twisted in pain at the harsh words._

_"You betrayed him, mom."_

_Abby tried to shake her head but it was a laughable attempt. "Honey, no. I wanted Thelonious to talk him out of doing something he would regret, I was trying to protect -"_

_"But you didn't."_

_She opened her mouth again but Clarke wouldn't let her talk her way out of it. Not with this one._

_"I don't care what dad had planned. I trust that he knew what he was doing. You betrayed him and you told the wrong person, mom, you did that to him." Her voice cracked eventually and she sobbed, desperete to get this pain off her chest._

_"He was making a mistake! I thought I would help him!"_

_She was yelling now but it wasn't an angry exlamation, more of a frantic one. She deserved that pain, Clarke thought._

_"But you didn't help him! You got him killed, mom, you killed dad!" Clarke was shouting now,too._

_The girl knew how much these words hurt because even saying them out loud hurt. But she had the unstoppable urge to make her mom feel that kind of pain she was doing all the time. Perhaps that would make her understand what exactly she had done. It didn't ease her own agony, though. It didn't make her feel any better._

_"You said you want Thelonious out of your live. Well, I want that, too. I don't want to see you ever again."_

_Abby blinked. A tear dropped on the floor._

_Clarke took one last despising look at her and turned around. Both of her parents were dead._

 

* * *

 

  
It should have felt weird with Bellamy lying next to her, his hand softly running up and down her body. But it didn't.

Clarke told him about the car 'accident' that happened seven years ago, about her dad dying. She told him how she discovered that her mother betrayed him because he was going to go public about something that involved a campaign Abby, Thelonious and others were part of. Her mom entrusted Thelonious and he did the same and in the end her father was murdered because of it. The car accident wasn't an accident at all. They, the people behind the scandal, hired someone special to get rid of her father so it would never go public. She spared Bellamy these details though. Clarke also recounted how long it had taken her to even look at her mother again, a long and slow process that hadn't made anyone's life easier. Eventually it had gotten better, though. 

Clarke didn't know anything exactly herself about the mysterious affair since her mother never really opened up entirely about the whole mess, arguing that it was too dangerous to tell her. It only created a wider rift between the two women.

Bellamy listened to the story and occasionally washed away a tear or two on Clarke's cheek when emotion overwhelmed her from time to time.

At first she had planned to make something up, definitely not ready to open up to someone she barely even knew but the sincere look on his face was so assuring, she had the feeling that she could trust him. Once the first few words got out, she couldn't stop spilling her deepest and darkest memories, although it sure as hell wasn't everything. Not by far.

Talking about it helped. The only other person she had ever told was Wells, and well, the others still thought it was a simple car crash that had killed her dad.

"My mom died when I was eighteen" Bellamy shared after Clarke was finished and they lied there in comfortable silence. Her eyes darted up to his face at that revelation. It wasn't really pain in his eyes, but rather a flicker of nostalgy.

"I'm sorry, Bellamy."

Another moment of silence passed between them. Clarke didn't want to push him to talk about it but she kept her soft gaze steady to show she was ready to listen if he wanted her to.

Eventually he sighed and scratched his temple with the hand that had been previously stroking Clarke. She immediately missed the reassuring touch.

"It wasn't a shock, she was often sick before she died and then one day she wasn't there any more but it hurt anyway, more than I could ever imagine. Didn't have time to grieve though, not with taking care of O' at the same time. She was only thirteen back then."

Clarke was taken aback by that information. The thought of young Bellamy Blake raising his teenage sister was delighting and upsetting at the same time.

"Wow," she eventually replied. "I can't imagine how it must been. You raised her good though, she seems to have grown up an amazing young woman."

A smile tugged on the corner of his lips which was a rare sigh. Most of the timehe was frowning, or smirking (or moaning) when he was around. A genuine smile didn't occur often but it certainly suited him.

"Yeah, wasn't always easy but worth every second"

Clarke smiled back at him.

"Where I actually wanted to go with this, she's my family. Although we sometimes fight or she's being annoyingly stubborn, I wouldn't trade it for a thing and from what you told me you kinda warmed up a bit to your mom. Hold onto that. I get that you're still angry, especially today, but don't let a date ruin the progress you've made so far. She fucked up, I get that, but I think you know deep in your heart that it was never her intention."

She blinked. Processing the advice, she slowly sat up in her bed, drawing in her knees and laid her head on them.

"I really _want to_ but every time I look at her I see my dad and what happened to him" she tried to explain, not sure if he coud properly understand.

Rolling onto his back he nodded. "Yeah, I know. Family isn't easy though, you have to work for it. Some day maybe you won't be reminded of your dad anymore when you're looking at her."

"Hopefully" she muttered quietly and imagined a normal mother daughter relationship. Could they still form that kind of bond? Or was it too late?

Suddenly Bellamy shot up and yawned loudly. "Okay, enough moping. I think we dederve a drink. Something fun."

She wasn't opposed to this idea all. In fact, a drink or two would work all the wonders right now.

 

-

 

"Two more, please" Bellamy told the bartender and turned back around to face clarke.

This would be their fifth or maybe seventh round of shots? She wasn't sure. Bellamy had dragged her to this cozy but crazy full bar near her appartment and they had been chatting and drinking for a while now. The alcohol settled warmly in her chest and she definitely felt slightly buzzed already.

"I still can't believe that you, Bellamy Blake, are a history nerd."

He rolled his eyes. "Why is everyone so surprised by that?"

"I dunno, I just figured you'd be more like a cop or somethin'" she shrugged. "Or maybe a CEO at some big ass company."

"Sorry to disappoint you. Unfortunately, I'm just a plain old boring history teacher."

"Aww" her voice teasing him. "But no, it's sctually rather interesting. Unusual which is refreshing."

Raising an eyebrow, a smirk grew on his face. "Is that a compliment?"

Clarke snorted loudly. "Wouldn't that be little too much for your ego?"

"Nah, I can handle it" he told her, wiggling his brows. 

Just then their shots were brought to the table they were sitting at and Clarke happily accepted them. She held her shot up to Bellamy.

"To being ordinary"

"To being ordinary" he repeated and then they dawned their glasses. It burned slightly in her throat but she shook off the feeling with some cola.

"I actually considered to serve or start police training" Bellamy admitted after a while. " I always liked the idea but when I realized everything that could happen, I reconsidered my plans, not with Octavia being there. I didn't want to leave her behind if something would go wrong and since I've always liked history I became teacher instead."

"She can definitely count herself lucky to have a brother like you."

"Mh" the man across from her huffed out a small laugh. "And now she's a freaking police officer. Do you know how long I tried to convince her to not start the training?"

"Octavia doesn't seem like someone you can convince so easily."

"Damn right, she doesn't." Bellamy gripped the water on the table and took a few sips, his eyes mostly trained on the ground. He almost seemed _nervous_ to talk about it. 

Clarke observed him for a moment until he caught her gaze and stared back.

"She's strong. You both are" she said and she was sure of it. Bellamy lost his own mother and then continued to raise his little sister even though he was just a kid himself. They couldn't have done that if both of them didn't have some serious will power in themselves.

It got a long sigh out of him but he relaxed a tad, his fingers not fidgeting around any more. Perhaps he belived her. Maybe her words were just useless.

_She mustered him again. The universe of freckles across his face. His brown eyes. The curly hair. He looked so familiar and all of sudden Clarke felt something twist inside her guts. A bittersweet feeling. A far and distant dream that she couldn't quite remember that only left a glimmer of well-known sentiment._

 

* * *

 

 

August went by quickly. Clarke worked a lot and being a resident was hard, being a resident in the summer heat was torture. It didn't make things better that she regulary ran into Lexa which made her want to turn around on the spot every time.

To her misfortune she even found herself working along side her ex girlfriend because of a patient named Titus Fleimkepa. The man suffered a severe trauma after a moped accident but was diagnosed with Glioblastoma, an aggressive form of brain cancer because of all the tests he had to go through after his crash. Clarke was specialising to be a trauma surgeon, Lexa was a neurologist hence why they both happened to team up. It was weird at first, Clarke even considered to ask for another patient but that would have been unprofressional. Eventually they would had to work together anyways, so better to get it over with now.

At the end of the day she always had Raven who would listen to her complain about work or Lexa and then offer her a bottle of wine and ice cream. Then there was also Bellamy who slowly grew into a friend and ensured that Clarke got the right fix after a long day at the hospital. As their friendship grew, Clarke also noticed that he actually could be really annoying which led to some bickering but sometimes even bigger fights.

One time he made breakfast for her at her place because he had slept over. For some idiotic reason it pissed her off because it just seemed so freaking domestic even though it was still a casual thing. Only sex. Okay now they had become friends and hung out with the same group of friends and sometimes he stayed for a couple hours after they were finished and Clarke still felt magnetically pulled towards him for some kind of reason but it didn't change the fact that it was supposed to be casual. No attachment. So Clarke barked at him for occupying her kitchen and he got mad and she got even angrier which basically resulted in a fight. The hate sex afterwards was pretty good, though.

Clarke never expected their weird thing to last that long. Sometimes they got wasted and it was like having a one night stand, just that it was with the same person and not once. So actually the opposite of an one night stand but she liked to ignore that.

What was hard, was not telling anyone. It wasn't really about him being Octavias brother any more or that they had the same friends and it could get awkward. It was the reality of it if she said it out loud. After Lexa Clarke was trying so hard to surpress any romantic or intimate feelings she could develop because she was tired of the whole love thing. Above that, she also knew that a day would come where her past would catch up and destroy anything she had still left. She was so sure of it that she just decided to keep her distance from everyone. Of course, it didn't work out completely. Isolating herself, she found out, was a terrible and painful thing so she still saw her friends. Just didn't let them so close any more.

The walls, that had come up ever since her dad died, were growing higher and higher.

 

-

 

Clarke met up with Raven and Octavia one sunday afternoon for brunch with waffles and mimosas. Octavia was slowly becoming and really good friend for Clarke and naturally, it was even more difficult to withold the whole thing with Bellamy, who she also knew pretty good by now.

„So, Clarkey“ Raven began nonchalantly after their orders were served and Clarke started eating her banana split waffles. „How is your mysterious friend doing?“

Like she mentioned before, she never told anyone but that didn't stop Raven from teasing her all the time about her apparent sex glow which was the reason why she assumed she had a thing going on.

„I Have no idea what you're talking talking about“ Clarke replied as she took a long sip of her mimosa. Was there anything better than day drinking and food on a sunday?

Octavia snickered next to her and proceeded to eat her food. The brunette knew exactly how the next five minutes would go.

„Is he like ugly? Or just a loser? Or why are you making such a secret out of it, Griffin?“

At the question she stopped for a second. Why? Because she actually swore to herself to never ever get into any kind of commitment to prevent anyone from getting hurt again. Unfortunately that wasn't a possible answer.

„You're so annyoing.“

"Y'know," Octavia interrupted their banther with an amused expression and gave Clarke an observing look. "They teach us how to spot liars because it comes handy during interogations and stuff. You, Clarke Griffin, are lying."

Raven 'HA'd at her with a wide grin on her face like she just won the lottery.

Clarke rolled her eyes, taking another bite. "I'm not lying. I'm just not telling everythi-"

"So there is someone!" Raven exclaimed excitedly.

"- because it's nothing serious. A casual thing, okay?" she continued and stopped eating to give them a dead serious look. 

"So Raven's been right the whole time?" 

"No! Yes?! Kind of. Just the sex thing."

This was apparently enough for Raven because she already had the 'I told ya so'  look on her face. "Nobody can shit Raven Reyes."

Octavia laughed. "What's his name? Or her name?"

"No one you two know," Clarke mumbled grumpily. "Besides I barely see him. Maybe couple times a month. Nothing more." Lies, lies, lies she thought. She saw Bellamy weekly, sometimes even three times a week when she was very stressed. 

 

"A personal sex doll. Wow, Clarke, I feel like a proud mom!" Raven dramatically said as she patted the spot on her chest over her heart pretending to be truly proud.

"Oh, would you finally shut up?" the blonde laughs, shaking her head incrediously.

 This admission put Clarke into an even worse position than before now that they knew she saw someone. So what now? She just had to suck it up. 

The conversation thankfully shifted to other topics afterwards like work, friday night plans and this week's mashaps. Eventually though Clarke had to helplessly watch as Bellamy became the topic.

"I just feel like he's missing out on so much just because he's too stubborn to get into relationships again" Octavia complained. Apparently she had a strong opinion on his one night stand sessions. Clarke wondered shortly if he had slept with any one else during the past month or so.

Raven shrugged, unimpressed. "Maybe he's just not the relationship type of guy. I'm not one those types, too and it's cool."

"But he was! Until roma happened and now he's jumping from bed to bed so often I'm sometimes afraid I might get STD just by standing next to him."

 _Roma_. It was the first time she heard this name but she strongly suspected she was the reason for Bellamy's disinteresst in serious commitments. Or at least, a break up with her was the reason.

"Chill. Let the man live" Raven said.

Octavia sighed deeply, then turned around to Clarke who had been uncharacteristically silent for the past seven minutes. 

"Clarke! Since you turned out to be the casual-thing type of person, too, what do you think?"

"Uhm" she gulped nervously. "I think.. he's old enough to know what's right for him. If he doesn't want anything right now then you should just let him do his thing."

Disappointed Octavia sipped at her drink. "I just don't want him to end up all alone. He acts so tough but he's actually a big softie inside."

Clarke laughed, louder than she should have but quickly covered her mouth with a hand. "Can't imagine that" she muttered.

"Oh yeah" the brunette nodded. "Maybe he'll come around when he meets the right one. He just has to find his perfect match."

Somewhere deep inside Clarke, it stung a bit  hearing her say these words but if she noticed it, she ignored it.

"Love can't fix everything, Octavia" Raven pointed out, a glimper of sadness lingering in her eyes. The story behind _that_ was a long one.

"I know that."

Clarke thought about Bellamy. Would he really be ready for a relationship if he met his soulmate? He got the charme. He got the personality. He could cook and if someone let him, he would be the perfect domestic boyfriend or husband but she knew that there were some pieces which were still broken in him. She could see through him sometimes, when he peered at something in the distance and his expression turned dark and heavy. Some things just lied on the soul. He disguised that part of him, though, didn't want anyone to see it. 

"What happened - " Clarke started but then thought about the question she was going to ask. Why was there such a sudden rush of curiousity in her belly? Why was she even remotely interested in finding out what went on between roma and bellamy? It was too late to back out of the question, though, because Raven's and Octavia's eyes were already on her, and to be honest she really wanted to know. "What happened between Bellamy and that Roma?"

"Oh, it was really messy. They were together for quite some time and then she suddenly left him, without saying anything. Later he found out that he cheated on him with some random guy before she disappeared and it broke his heart. They already had problems before that, though. Two really strong personalities" Octavia recounted with a deep frown on her face. "But don't tell him I told you. He hates when people know."

And suddenly Clarke felt guilty, like an intrudor in Bellamy's life. It wasn't her place to have this information about him, especially not when he did mind so much.

"'s a bummer. Cheaters are the worst." Ravens's voice interrupted her thoughts and she looked at the latina knowingly. Yeah, she knew exactly what she was on about. _Finn._

Octavia nodded, then pouted when she noticed her drink was empty. 

"But he seems to have gotten over the whole thing, especially lately. Just apparently not enough to get into relationships again."

"Maybe it's for the better. Relationships suck" Clarke stated and drank the last bit of her mimosa. Her waffles and her drink were gone, which made her sulk, too.

The brunette next to her rolled her eyes. "Why is everyone I know so fucking pessimistic?"

"Realistic" Raven corrected with a smirk. "The question is: Why are _you_ so optimistic? Is there something you wanna tell us?"

A faint blush made it's way up on Octavia's cheeks and betrayed her right away. 

"Maybe."

Clarke gasped over dramatically. "So all the time you were interrogating _me_ about _my_ love life although it should've been your life instead?"

The other girl just giggled. "It's nothing _yet_ and not Clarke's nothing but _the I only saw him a couple times and he's really cute but I don't know what's going to happen type of nothing_."

"I should have become a cop. No one can hide anything from me" Raven muttered under her breath but gave Octavia a wide grin. "What's his name? Or is a secret like with Clarke's thing?"

"His name is Lincoln. He works at the art gallery downtown."

"Nice catch. _Let an artist fall in love with you and you will live forever"_ the latina quoted a saying or something but Clarke agreed. She was a doctor but a long time ago she used to paint, too. Once, she even had dreamt of becoming a painter. She still drew from time to time, not as often any more, it was like a secret hobby and that's why she knew that every painting or sketch she ever made was inspired by people around her. There were quite a few pieces she made during her relationship with Lexa and even though not all of them actually included Lexa, every one of it was somehow inspired by her. So that sentiment, that spirit would live on in the painting forever and well, she was only a hobby painter. What was it like with real artists?

"Sure" Octavia laughed. "That's what made me think about Bell. I want him to be happy again but I already have an idea. Do you girls have any cute and single friends?"

Clarke's heart skipped a beat. Suddenly she was feeling anxious. 

"Lots of 'em" Raven replied.

"Cool because I want to set him up with someone. He will hate me for it, but whatever.. The effort I put in as his sister."

 

* * *

 

 

Later that night Clarke dreamt. It was one of the weird ones again.

_"If you need forgiveness, I'll give that to you. You're forgiven" a deep, familiar voice told her but she couldn't make out who it was. The words were pure, they wrapped her up in warmth and made her feel save. She wasn't smiling, though, she wasn't happy like she should be. A tear was running down her cheek. Clarke was miserable._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo any theories so far wtf is going on with Clarke and her weird dreams etc.?   
> I just thought I would warn you now before it's too late that this isn't the happy family fic, so be prepared to see lots of people dying guys (even though it will mostly be in form of flashbacks). I still hope you're enjoying it and well, buckle up for a wild ride. The next few chapters are going to be okayish but then some wild shit is going to happen and just be prepared :)   
> Leave a comment if you liked or disliked something particular! I would be very happy to know what you are thinking about this so far!

**Author's Note:**

> If you in any way want this fic to continue, I would appreciate any kudos or comments :) They really help in terms of motivation and inspiration! I hope you liked it and sorry for any mistakes!


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